You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
my poor anus
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
