Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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