If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
