You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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