whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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