in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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