Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
