I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
