Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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