i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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