I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i love accidental penises.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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