Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
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