dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
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She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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