I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
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we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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