in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
