Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
