I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
