Im at strip club and am horny
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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