why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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