I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
