Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
