at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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