a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
