There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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