The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
