I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
