And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
