There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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