I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
