dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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