After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
