eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
