White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
