The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
