The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
