all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
