It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
