My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
