you didnt know i had herpes?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
