need another drink. this is the easiest way
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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