i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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