Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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