I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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