god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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