I'm pants shitting drunk right now
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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