i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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