dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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