dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
