I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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