i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
did you just send me my own nude
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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