Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
