i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Randomize
