My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
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When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
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Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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