they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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