i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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