i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
